Matt Redman “Your Grace Finds Me”: Simple Gift Sunday

 

I remember my teenage years.

Defiant. Pushing. Mouthy. Chafing at my parents’ authority.

Days and words I regret.

Even in those years of finding myself I knew I didn’t want my children to be like me when they became teenagers so I have made different choices.

I’ve stayed at home for most of my 25 years as a mom. I’ve homeschooled for 20 years, working to build relationships through days of work and play.

I wanted to embrace the teen years, to be that one mom whose kids weren’t afraid to express their love in front of their friends.

I achieved that with my oldest two biological children. With my firstborn I could count on my fingers the knockdown drag out fights we had during those high school years. It wasn’t always blissful but our years of struggling with our adopted children brought us together with one mind and heart towards the goal of survival and healing.

With my oldest biological son those years were a bit different but he gladly brought home friends and was never ashamed to hug us in public. I struggled with him in the normal mom and son relationship and could see him constantly pushing towards the goal of freedom as an adult.

Even in the middle of this season, I knew it was just him wanting to move to the next stage of life quickly. A couple of years later he apologized for the way he disrespected me by pushing against the walls that kept his freedom in check. 

My youngest son challenges me.every.single.day. He came to us at 15 months old but those early months were already filled with upheaval and lack of safety, from foster homes to living with one relative after another. When his older sister brought her abuse into our home he was a victim and participant of behaviors we didn’t understand and couldn’t fathom how to live with. 

His oldest sister left at the age of 14 for a residential treatment facility for sexually abused children and never came home to us. She worked the system and even made false allegations against us. Words cannot describe those devastating years. 

For my son, his beliefs that we would “throw him away” just like he perceived we threw away his older biological sister  still affect his life. Although he has made great strides in his attachment to us he still battles me. Mainly because what I represent scares him.

Love. Strength. Discipline. Consequences. Safety.

I am weary. Saddened. Overwhelmed. Doubting every thing I believe about homeschooling and parenting. 

These are long days.

I cannot do this in my own strength.

Your grace finds me.

I seek God to fill the emptiness in my children’s hearts.

Your great grace.

To be to them what I can never be. God of all love and grace.

I’m breathing out your praise.

 

For more of my Simple Gift Sunday posts go here. 

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It’s there in the newborn cry 
It’s there in the light of every sunrise 
It’s there in the shadows of this light 
Your great grace 

It’s there on the mountaintop 
It’s there in the everyday and the mundane 
There in the sorrow and the dancing 
Your great grace 

Oh, such grace 

From the creation to the cross 
Then from the cross into eternity 
Your grace finds me 
Yes, Your grace finds me 

It’s there on a wedding day 
There in the weeping by the graveside 
There in the very breath we breathe 
Your great grace 

Same for the rich and poor 
Same for the saint and for the sinner 
Enough for this whole wide world 
Your great grace 

Oh, such grace 

From the creation to the cross 
Then from the cross into eternity 
Your grace finds me 
Yes, Your grace finds me 

There in the darkest night of the soul 
There in the sweetest songs of victory 
Your grace finds me 
Yes, Your grace finds me 

Your great grace 
Oh, such grace 
Your great grace 
Oh, such grace 

So I’m breathing in Your grace 
And I’m breathing out Your praise 
I’m breathing in Your grace 
Forever I’ll be 
Breathing in Your grace 
And I’m breathing out Your praise 
I’m breathing in Your grace 
Forever I’ll be 
Breathing in Your grace 
And I’m breathing out Your praise 
Breathing in Your grace 
For our God, for our God 

Yes, Your grace finds me 
Yes, Your grace finds me